Expatiate

I feel like writing tonight.

I don’t really have a plan for this so bear with me while I ramble on aimlessly.

There are so many things going on in my life and I haven’t really taken the time to step back and reflect on them. I recently started a new job with a local bank. It is not the field I wish I could work in, but it is a good job and is definitely challenging enough to keep me interested. Ya know for a person who doesn’t necessarily enjoy dealing with people, I seem to have a knack for it and have been fairly successful in jobs that involve sales and customer service. The problem I have with this fact is that while these jobs pay well, and provide stability and benefits for my family, they do not give me a sense of fulfillment.

I feel out of place everywhere I go.

My family and home are the only things on this planet that make me comfortable. I learned at a very early age to mask my emotions. Most people that know me have no idea that I deal with severe depression and anxiety. I became skilled in hiding these facts because just like everyone else who deals with these things, they are downplayed by the people around me because people without these problems do not understand them. When I do open up I feel like the person finds humor in it, as if I’m just telling a story for shits and giggles.

I’m stressed.

I feel overwhelming pressure. All of it from myself because of perceived expectations. I want to provide everything  for my family. I want to do well in my work. I want to finish my education. I want to pursue my hobbies. I want to exercise. I want to take vacations. I want to be successful. I want to be happy.

I want to relax.

If you have stumbled across this site and are still reading this, I commend you. Even I don’t really get what is happening right now.

My oldest daughter is developing so much faster than I was prepared for. She is just about to turn three next month, and is already so bright. I’ve never seen a child her age have such a large vocabulary and speak so clearly and succinctly.  She has her mother’s attitude and my stubbornness. Even though this girl has my whole heart and I would do anything for her, I am terrified of not being good enough. I know this is the part where everyone would say, “Oh Aaron, you are good enough and you know it” or something along those lines. But the fact remains that having children still terrifies me. Her younger sister just turned one and seems to be progressing just as quickly as she is, but also seems to be much more of an emotional being. That scares me more than most things parenting presents. I’m worried that I won’t be able to help guide her through her emotions because I don’t even have my own in check most days.

I want to provide a solid and normal family life for my kids but the problem with that is, I don’t really know what that means. My own family fell apart years ago and never really recovered. But that is a can of worms for another night.

Star Trek: The Next Generation is probably my favorite show of all time, and I should probably go to bed.

Goodnight, and thanks for reading my terrible and boring writing.

-A

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